I feel robbed....

Well, I have been wanting to write a post about this for awhile, but my laptop crashed. So here I am at the library, applying for jobs, and writing this.

Today is a good day. I am 18 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby boy. I should feel overjoyed, and so happy. Instead, I feel guilt, and scared, and terrified. I wish I never had a miscarriage. I wish I didn't have this feeling. I wish I could just breathe, and not have a worry about my pregnancy. I feel very superstitious, with milestones. I was SO terrified to announce, because I felt that as soon as we did, I would get the news I am miscarrying. I feel as though this could end at any moment, and it could!

This is a scary thing. I never truly realized how much my miscarriage affected me. Yea, it was devastating, and it was a very hard thing to go through, and so heartbreaking. But it gave me hope... Hope that I COULD get pregnant.....Or so I thought it gave me hope...But maybe all it really did was feel me with heartache, and fear.

Well fast forward 6 months later, and I find out I am pregnant again. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel excited....My only feelings were fear. I didn't believe it was happening.

It is hard to get excited, and it is so heartbreaking because this is what Steven and I worked so hard to get. This is what we have been wanting for years! And now, all I have is fear.

I feel so robbed. I feel almost numb. I wish I felt differently. I just want to enjoy my pregnancy, and be excited.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way, but that doesn't really provide me with any comfort...I don't want anyone to feel this way....So why would it bring me comfort in knowing someone else feels the same way I do?


I am getting better. I am starting to feel our baby move, and that gives me hope, but the fear is still there. Steven talks to our baby, and rubs my belly, and kisses it. It is so sweet, and makes me feel happy that this is really happening but the fear is always there.

This is what infertility does to you....

I'm tired of this hurt. I want it to end. 

I'm tired of acting like I am okay. Tired of the mixed emotions. Tired of feeling like I am labeled by my infertility. 

I feel that when people hear my name, or anything to do with me, my infertility is the first thing they think of. I hate that, because when you are posting about how miserable your pregnancy is going, or how tired you are today because your child kept you up, or how your child is being bratty, or that you need a day off, or inviting me to a baby shower! You aren't thinking about my feelings. Which is fine. But why am I the person that pops into your head when you see something fertility related, and my name is associated with infertility...But when you go to make a post, I sure don't pop into your head, and your posts aren't hidden from me. 

I get it, you need to vent. We all need to vent. But I just don't understand how so many people seem to care, and pray for us, and wish that I can get pregnant, and really feel for us, and see our hurt, and heartbreak, but then complain about their children, and the things that come along with being a parent. How hard is it, and how long would it really take to just hide that post from me?? Not very. I'm not expecting people to revolve around my feelings, but when you people act like you care, but make these posts, remarks, and comments about babies, children, etc it really hurts. Maybe I should just start posting comments on your statuses.....Reminding you daily of my struggle, because these posts sure bring me back to reality, and remind me how much I want a baby, and what I have gone through trying to have a baby. 

When I would see pregnancy announcements, I would delete that person. Because it hurt too much. It was a reminder that they were getting everything I wanted. A reminder that I may never have that. A reminder of how hard this journey is. I now just "unfollow" them, so that I do not get the constant updates, and belly pictures, etc. I felt it wasn't fair. It's not their fault I struggle with infertility. 

I had a miscarriage in February. I cried when I saw 2 lines staring back at me. Crying now that I am typing this. I was overly excited. I couldn't believe it. But when I had my blood work done, I knew it was all over before it even began. Everyone that knew I was pregnant (Very few people) told me to keep positive. While I did, I still knew that it wasn't good. When it was confirmed I was going to have a miscarriage, I was sad. But I was not as sad and I expected. I think I was numb to it all. In a matter of 3 weeks, I found out I was pregnant, had been poked over a dozen times, and miscarried. Everything I have been wanting, was just gone. I never got to see my baby. And now, It is hitting me. 

Maybe all of this is arising now, because as soon as my cycle decides to start, its back to the grind, and time to begin again. Back to getting poked, and having a bruise on my arm, then by the time its gone, its time to be poked again....I just don't want to feel the pain that infertility has caused me, and my husband.  

It also throws me for a loop when people ask me if my husband wants a baby too. And how bad he wants a baby....Why would I put myself through all of this if my husband did not want a baby? Why would we do 5 IUI's, if he didn't want a baby? Why would he do the uncomfortable things these procedures entail, if he didn't want a baby pretty badly? And don't say because he loves me.....Of course my husband wants to have a baby!! And that also hurts me. Because some days, I feel like a failure, because I can't just pop out babies for him to be a daddy to. While he is definitely caring, and comforting that that is okay, it still hurts! 

Its scary. I don't know if I will ever be a mom. We do not have tens of thousands of dollars for further infertility treatment. We do not have thousands of dollars to adopt a baby. Why are all of these things so expensive?!?! It costs so much money for those who have infertility issues, but yet drug addicts can pop out babies, collect welfare, food stamps, etc. and that is just A-Ok in this world, apparently. Or people who decide they don't want their child, can give them away, yet it costs thousands of dollars for us people willing to care for that child, to be their parent....This world is a broken place. 

It is also so hard to find coverage for these infertility treatments. I am thankful that we have some coverage. Although, everything has had to be through my OB/gyn, because we do not have coverage to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Just to see an RE, it is hundreds of dollars. Just to walk in the door! Let alone the thousands of dollars for testing, and further procedures. Why is it covered under insurance for someone to get an abortion, and why can someone go to a place for free, or donation to get an abortion. Yet someone like myself has to pay for treatment to try and have a baby?? Is human life really not valuable? Is human life that disposable? 

I am so sick and tired of hearing about lazy parents, and parents who show their children little to NO attention. Hey, guess what...Your child did not ask to come into this world...YOU are the one that brought them into this world! They deserve parents who show them love, and attention! They don't deserve to be neglected. They deserve to go to school. They deserve the things you are not giving them, because you are a selfish person!! Yet, you are blessed with children, and here I am...childless!! 

I know I am far from perfect, but one thing that I do know is that I try my hardest to be considerate of others feelings, and treat people the way I want to be treated, and do things for others that I would like others to do for/to me.

This is me....

Well, I have no idea what else to label this as...But this is me.....And some of my random thoughts tonight.....

I have been doing really good....I have been happy, and staying positive....until tonight....

It is hitting me....I'm getting really sad, and terrified.

I am sad that I was pregnant, and now I am not. I am sad that I never got to see my baby, or hear a heartbeat, or see the heartbeat.

I am terrified that it will happen again! I see more people have multiple miscarriages, rather than just one. I'm terrified of getting another positive test.

I was so excited to try again, and now I am just terrified.....

I was hoping that I would get pregnant again, right away...but I would have to ovulate for that to happen, and well, I have to take medication to make me ovulate...So chances are I won't conceive right away.....

I am happy that I did conceive, but I am having to start all over again...Back to square one....Not to mention the emotions are worse now, and the want is even stronger. Does this ever get easier?

This. Is. Really. Happening......

Well. We accomplished getting pregnant!! Sadly it is ending in miscarriage, as I type.... Literally.

First I need to let this rant out. I am not expecting every single person to comment, or be there for me during this time, but I am quite surprised that some people couldn't even message me, or comment, or anything. I am talking about people who claim they are hoping for us, etc etc. I know this is not an easy subject, obviously. But simple words do a lot. I had tagged Steven in my post, so that family members who are not on my page, could see it as well in their news feed, since he was tagged. Not one comment, peep, message, anything from them.

Now for my story.

This is absolutely horrible!! I was planning to announce it after our very first appointment, which would have been Feb 23rd. I would have been 8 weeks.

On Feb 25th, I took a pregnancy test before work, and it was positive. I was freaking out! The line was barely there. I went out to my car on my break, and the line was bright, and staring right at me!! I instantly started crying!! 

I called my sister, and Skyped her, and showed her the test! I am not sure if she was crying, or what she was doing, but she was happy! 

This was really happening!!!

I went for a blood draw the following morning to confirm it. I got my number back, and while it was on the low side, it was definitely a positive. I had to tell Steven!! I tried to keep calm on the phone when the nurse called me, because he was sleeping in bed, next to me, and I didn't want to ruin it!! I had put together a surprise for him.



I told him that I bought him something for work. He wasn't buying it. He knew something was up, and definitely suspected something. He said I had been glowing. :) So, I had surprised him with this. I put all of this inside a Nike shoe box. Along with the multiple pregnancy tests I had taken!

He was so excited. I videoed it, and we had our moment. Very few people knew. I knew it was very early, and anything could happen. Steven wanted to announce it to the world, as he was super excited, but I wanted to wait until our first appointment.

These are the days I went in for blood draws, along with my levels.
1/26- 37.1
1/28- 53.1
1/30- 94.8
2/2- 253.7
2/6- 274.3
2/7- 224.4
2/9- 145.4
Now I know that you guys have no clue what the levels mean, but this is the pregnancy hormone level in my blood. It should have doubled every 48 hours, and it never really did. Although the first couple tests were within range as far as "doubling" like they should have. What really gets me, is that literally every time I went to get my blood drawn, except 2 times, they had to poke me twice to get blood! I hate that! Not to mention I still had a bruise from over 2 weeks ago, from my progesterone test.

So, when my number was 253, I decided to wait a few days, and was hoping my number would be over 1000. Well on Friday, I went to Motherhood Maternity store, to buy a couple shirts. I need some new shirts, and was pretty bloated. Steven and I also walked around the mall, and bought some really cute baby items. I bought 3 super comfy, adorable maternity shirts!! After we were done, and got to the car, I decided to check to see if my test result was in. It was....And my level was only 274. I knew then, that this wasn't good......I cried, and cried. Everyone telling me to try to stay positive, but I knew that with the numbers being so low already, that them going up only 21 in 4 days, was definitely not a good sign. Well I decided to not wait 48 hours, and go in, in 24 hours...I just wanted to see if they were rising at all, or if they were falling......

Sure enough, got my results a couple hours later, and they had dropped by 50 in 24 hours!  I was devastated!! I knew the worst was yet to come.....

I went to the Dr yesterday, Jan 9th, and the Dr confirmed I am having a miscarriage. I am bleeding, and cramping,. and incredibly uncomfortable! Also pretty sure the "embryo", "tissue" whatever you want to call it, has already passed just less than an hour ago......

I am doing surprisingly okay. I am sad, but I am trying my very best to not dwell on this. I got pregnant!! Naturally!! Steven had insisted we take a break from IUI, and so we did, and achieved pregnancy!

It makes me feel a little better than your first pregnancy has the highest chance for miscarriage. I am also thankful that this happened before our first appointment, because we had not seen our baby on ultrasound, or anything. I couldn't imagine seeing a heartbeat, and a baby, then have this happen!! But at the same time, I am sad that I did not even get to see my baby! My baby was gone before I even got to see it on an ultrasound, or see its heartbeat. But I know it is easier this way.

I was 6 weeks on Friday 2/6/15. The Dr wants to follow up in 2 weeks from yesterday, which would have been the day of our first prenatal appt. But instead are going in for a miscarriage follow up. We are back further than where we started, in a way. Yes, we achieved pregnancy, but now we have to try to get my cycle back on track, and make sure I am ovulating again. Which is going to take some time. This really seems like a never ending process! But we are banded together, and moving forward. We know who is truly there for us, and who is not. I am beyond thankful for my husband, and for the ones that do show us support. <3

                                                             I really was glowing...

A lot of emotions

Well, today is just rough.....

It hit me hard, that I am only 23, and having to go through infertility treatments.....

23!!!!!

I have been doing okay...I haven't been having a rough time at all, just going with the flow, not worrying, not obsessing, until today, then BAM!! It hit me hard!! I am 23, and am on the worst emotional roller coaster of my life!!!

I am currently trying to make sense of everything....Steven and I have been together for over 6 years, and have no baby...Yet there are people out there who get abortions, and have kids left and right, and go party whenever they can, and still have kids....Then there is Steven and I....Who have been together for over 6 years, married, not financially struggling, and can't have kids the natural way. I have to take medicine, and get poked, get artificially inseminated, just in hopes of getting pregnant!!

Just a rant for today....

Is this our time??

One week ago today, we did our 3rd IUI. Hopefully our final one.

Today, I did my progesterone test. I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that the phlebotomist knows me on a first name basis, because I am in there every single month, sometimes multiple times a month.....He also always asks how my husband is....

I'm getting a little sad, and frustrated. I remember I used to get soooo beyond excited when I would get a smiley face, and now that I am 28 days, for the last 3 months, and 29 days the one before that, my cycle is SO predictable!! It used to be between 39-45ish days, so it was a mess...But now it is normal!!! I am happy that it is finally normal, but I don't even get happy when I get the smiley faces now...Because I know I am ovulating every month....But I gotta take them, to get the surge, so the IUI is done on the correct day...It is also just like automatic for me... On CD11, in the morning when I wake up, gotta do my OPK, even though I know it won't have a smiley face until CD14.....And of course, on CD14 is the day I get the smiley face....I am expecting it, knowing it will be there, so I am not surprised when it happens...

This month, I had an ultrasound of my ovaries, to see the follicles, to time out the IUI...Well, had my test on a Monday, and they said okay...IUI is scheduled for Thursday...Which was the exact same as it would have been just going by the OPK's, but of course, I was paranoid, and had to do the OPK's leading up to that day...and sure enough, I got a smiley face on CD14, which was Wednesday, which lines up perfectly with our already scheduled IUI!! So, I felt at ease. My body WAS right on time, doing exactly what it needed to do.

Now fast forward 1 week, and I am usually on pins and needles, calling the DR 100 times to see if my progesterone level is in...But this time, its just different...Today, I have hardly even thought about it, after getting my blood drawn....This whole cycle has felt different....

Maybe I have given up hope...Maybe not...It is just all so overwhelming, and I am tired of getting my hopes up just to be heartbroken every 28 days!

This is how my cycle goes....When AF arrives, it is usually on a Thursday, and I have to start medication on CD3 which is Saturday, so I panic about trying to get a hold of my DR, so I can get my prescription ordered, as 90% of the time, the pharmacy does not have it. Then CD 3-7 take Femara (Letrozole), Then CD11 start doing OPK until I get a smiley face, CD12 do ultrasound of ovaries (Follicle scan), call Dr to schedule IUI when I get the smiley face, CD15 do IUI, 1 week after IUI do progesterone test, then wait another week from there to take pregnancy test, then once period arrives- the panic returns about getting my prescription, and it starts....all over again.....It's just on repeat, every single month....It is so mentally exhausting....So much to do...Yes it will ALL be worth it when it does happen, but right now, it is just draining!!

But this cycle truly feels different. With my body, and just everything!

2 nights ago, I had a dream that I got 2 positive pregnancy tests...So of course, that morning when I woke up, I HAD to take a test, even though 5 days after IUI is WAY too early to get a positive....But I HAD to test...Obviously it was negative....

Well, then today....I get a random call from my mom, when I am waiting to be called back to get my blood drawn....She says "What day was your last IUI?" I said "Thursday......why?" She said "Because I think you're pregnant." She tells me about when she was pregnant, she couldn't stand the smell of something, and that she just smelled the same thing, and felt really sick because of it, just as when she was pregnant!! Me and my mom are really close, so this is just crazy!!!!

I am Just really really hoping that this roller coaster is over, so that a new one can begin!! I'm tired of the heartache...I still want a baby so badly, but this whole infertility stuff is really killing my passion...I am actually feeling defeating...Not feeling negative, and depressed, just more of "Okay, this is just not going to happen". Just giving up hope I suppose...And its sad....I don't get excited for a smiley face anymore, I don't get nervous when going for an IUI....Im not on pins and needles to see what my progesterone level is...Maybe I am learning to just roll with everything, and not get worked up...I'm not sure what it is....But man, it feels so weird...

I suppose that is all the rambling I have for tonight.....

Feeling defeated

People don't understand it, and will never know the true pain, and heartache, unless they've experienced it themselves. Just when I think I'm okay, something happens, and my emotions get the best of me. Such as today, I was for feeling frustrated because I didn't have my test results, then I said its okay, I'm sure they are fine, then when I finally got them it was lower than its been in 2 months, and I just start crying, feeling defeated. We only have 4 cycles left to do iui, before we have to do IVF. That's 4 more tries that we get, and it may seem like a good amount, but when Steven and I have been together for over 6 years, and not once had a pregnancy scare....it scares me. IVF alone is over $10,000 each cycle, with insurance not covering a dime.

Why why why did my progesterone level have to be less than 10?!?!


Steven has been working 14 hour days, and now 6 days a week too!! Its hard enough to not see him before going to work in the morning, and only seeing him for less than 2 hours before he leaves for work, but now, he is working 6 days a week!!

Im an emotional mess. I also find it frustrating that when I am struggling emotionally, no one is there. I thought we had a lot of supporters, but I feel people are getting tired of hearing about things. I post stuff on my Facebook, when I am feeling down, and in need of a pick me up, and everyone ignores....I don't understand it.

I am just thankful for my husband, and for this little girl right here.