Well, I have been wanting to write a post about this for awhile, but my laptop crashed. So here I am at the library, applying for jobs, and writing this.
Today is a good day. I am 18 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby boy. I should feel overjoyed, and so happy. Instead, I feel guilt, and scared, and terrified. I wish I never had a miscarriage. I wish I didn't have this feeling. I wish I could just breathe, and not have a worry about my pregnancy. I feel very superstitious, with milestones. I was SO terrified to announce, because I felt that as soon as we did, I would get the news I am miscarrying. I feel as though this could end at any moment, and it could!
This is a scary thing. I never truly realized how much my miscarriage affected me. Yea, it was devastating, and it was a very hard thing to go through, and so heartbreaking. But it gave me hope... Hope that I COULD get pregnant.....Or so I thought it gave me hope...But maybe all it really did was feel me with heartache, and fear.
Well fast forward 6 months later, and I find out I am pregnant again. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel excited....My only feelings were fear. I didn't believe it was happening.
It is hard to get excited, and it is so heartbreaking because this is what Steven and I worked so hard to get. This is what we have been wanting for years! And now, all I have is fear.
I feel so robbed. I feel almost numb. I wish I felt differently. I just want to enjoy my pregnancy, and be excited.
I know I am not alone in feeling this way, but that doesn't really provide me with any comfort...I don't want anyone to feel this way....So why would it bring me comfort in knowing someone else feels the same way I do?
I am getting better. I am starting to feel our baby move, and that gives me hope, but the fear is still there. Steven talks to our baby, and rubs my belly, and kisses it. It is so sweet, and makes me feel happy that this is really happening but the fear is always there.
