Well, today is just rough.....
It hit me hard, that I am only 23, and having to go through infertility treatments.....
23!!!!!
I have been doing okay...I haven't been having a rough time at all, just going with the flow, not worrying, not obsessing, until today, then BAM!! It hit me hard!! I am 23, and am on the worst emotional roller coaster of my life!!!
I am currently trying to make sense of everything....Steven and I have been together for over 6 years, and have no baby...Yet there are people out there who get abortions, and have kids left and right, and go party whenever they can, and still have kids....Then there is Steven and I....Who have been together for over 6 years, married, not financially struggling, and can't have kids the natural way. I have to take medicine, and get poked, get artificially inseminated, just in hopes of getting pregnant!!
Just a rant for today....
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Is this our time??
One week ago today, we did our 3rd IUI. Hopefully our final one.
Today, I did my progesterone test. I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that the phlebotomist knows me on a first name basis, because I am in there every single month, sometimes multiple times a month.....He also always asks how my husband is....
I'm getting a little sad, and frustrated. I remember I used to get soooo beyond excited when I would get a smiley face, and now that I am 28 days, for the last 3 months, and 29 days the one before that, my cycle is SO predictable!! It used to be between 39-45ish days, so it was a mess...But now it is normal!!! I am happy that it is finally normal, but I don't even get happy when I get the smiley faces now...Because I know I am ovulating every month....But I gotta take them, to get the surge, so the IUI is done on the correct day...It is also just like automatic for me... On CD11, in the morning when I wake up, gotta do my OPK, even though I know it won't have a smiley face until CD14.....And of course, on CD14 is the day I get the smiley face....I am expecting it, knowing it will be there, so I am not surprised when it happens...
This month, I had an ultrasound of my ovaries, to see the follicles, to time out the IUI...Well, had my test on a Monday, and they said okay...IUI is scheduled for Thursday...Which was the exact same as it would have been just going by the OPK's, but of course, I was paranoid, and had to do the OPK's leading up to that day...and sure enough, I got a smiley face on CD14, which was Wednesday, which lines up perfectly with our already scheduled IUI!! So, I felt at ease. My body WAS right on time, doing exactly what it needed to do.
Now fast forward 1 week, and I am usually on pins and needles, calling the DR 100 times to see if my progesterone level is in...But this time, its just different...Today, I have hardly even thought about it, after getting my blood drawn....This whole cycle has felt different....
Maybe I have given up hope...Maybe not...It is just all so overwhelming, and I am tired of getting my hopes up just to be heartbroken every 28 days!
This is how my cycle goes....When AF arrives, it is usually on a Thursday, and I have to start medication on CD3 which is Saturday, so I panic about trying to get a hold of my DR, so I can get my prescription ordered, as 90% of the time, the pharmacy does not have it. Then CD 3-7 take Femara (Letrozole), Then CD11 start doing OPK until I get a smiley face, CD12 do ultrasound of ovaries (Follicle scan), call Dr to schedule IUI when I get the smiley face, CD15 do IUI, 1 week after IUI do progesterone test, then wait another week from there to take pregnancy test, then once period arrives- the panic returns about getting my prescription, and it starts....all over again.....It's just on repeat, every single month....It is so mentally exhausting....So much to do...Yes it will ALL be worth it when it does happen, but right now, it is just draining!!
But this cycle truly feels different. With my body, and just everything!
2 nights ago, I had a dream that I got 2 positive pregnancy tests...So of course, that morning when I woke up, I HAD to take a test, even though 5 days after IUI is WAY too early to get a positive....But I HAD to test...Obviously it was negative....
Well, then today....I get a random call from my mom, when I am waiting to be called back to get my blood drawn....She says "What day was your last IUI?" I said "Thursday......why?" She said "Because I think you're pregnant." She tells me about when she was pregnant, she couldn't stand the smell of something, and that she just smelled the same thing, and felt really sick because of it, just as when she was pregnant!! Me and my mom are really close, so this is just crazy!!!!
I am Just really really hoping that this roller coaster is over, so that a new one can begin!! I'm tired of the heartache...I still want a baby so badly, but this whole infertility stuff is really killing my passion...I am actually feeling defeating...Not feeling negative, and depressed, just more of "Okay, this is just not going to happen". Just giving up hope I suppose...And its sad....I don't get excited for a smiley face anymore, I don't get nervous when going for an IUI....Im not on pins and needles to see what my progesterone level is...Maybe I am learning to just roll with everything, and not get worked up...I'm not sure what it is....But man, it feels so weird...
I suppose that is all the rambling I have for tonight.....
Today, I did my progesterone test. I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that the phlebotomist knows me on a first name basis, because I am in there every single month, sometimes multiple times a month.....He also always asks how my husband is....
I'm getting a little sad, and frustrated. I remember I used to get soooo beyond excited when I would get a smiley face, and now that I am 28 days, for the last 3 months, and 29 days the one before that, my cycle is SO predictable!! It used to be between 39-45ish days, so it was a mess...But now it is normal!!! I am happy that it is finally normal, but I don't even get happy when I get the smiley faces now...Because I know I am ovulating every month....But I gotta take them, to get the surge, so the IUI is done on the correct day...It is also just like automatic for me... On CD11, in the morning when I wake up, gotta do my OPK, even though I know it won't have a smiley face until CD14.....And of course, on CD14 is the day I get the smiley face....I am expecting it, knowing it will be there, so I am not surprised when it happens...
This month, I had an ultrasound of my ovaries, to see the follicles, to time out the IUI...Well, had my test on a Monday, and they said okay...IUI is scheduled for Thursday...Which was the exact same as it would have been just going by the OPK's, but of course, I was paranoid, and had to do the OPK's leading up to that day...and sure enough, I got a smiley face on CD14, which was Wednesday, which lines up perfectly with our already scheduled IUI!! So, I felt at ease. My body WAS right on time, doing exactly what it needed to do.
Now fast forward 1 week, and I am usually on pins and needles, calling the DR 100 times to see if my progesterone level is in...But this time, its just different...Today, I have hardly even thought about it, after getting my blood drawn....This whole cycle has felt different....
Maybe I have given up hope...Maybe not...It is just all so overwhelming, and I am tired of getting my hopes up just to be heartbroken every 28 days!
This is how my cycle goes....When AF arrives, it is usually on a Thursday, and I have to start medication on CD3 which is Saturday, so I panic about trying to get a hold of my DR, so I can get my prescription ordered, as 90% of the time, the pharmacy does not have it. Then CD 3-7 take Femara (Letrozole), Then CD11 start doing OPK until I get a smiley face, CD12 do ultrasound of ovaries (Follicle scan), call Dr to schedule IUI when I get the smiley face, CD15 do IUI, 1 week after IUI do progesterone test, then wait another week from there to take pregnancy test, then once period arrives- the panic returns about getting my prescription, and it starts....all over again.....It's just on repeat, every single month....It is so mentally exhausting....So much to do...Yes it will ALL be worth it when it does happen, but right now, it is just draining!!
But this cycle truly feels different. With my body, and just everything!
2 nights ago, I had a dream that I got 2 positive pregnancy tests...So of course, that morning when I woke up, I HAD to take a test, even though 5 days after IUI is WAY too early to get a positive....But I HAD to test...Obviously it was negative....
Well, then today....I get a random call from my mom, when I am waiting to be called back to get my blood drawn....She says "What day was your last IUI?" I said "Thursday......why?" She said "Because I think you're pregnant." She tells me about when she was pregnant, she couldn't stand the smell of something, and that she just smelled the same thing, and felt really sick because of it, just as when she was pregnant!! Me and my mom are really close, so this is just crazy!!!!
I am Just really really hoping that this roller coaster is over, so that a new one can begin!! I'm tired of the heartache...I still want a baby so badly, but this whole infertility stuff is really killing my passion...I am actually feeling defeating...Not feeling negative, and depressed, just more of "Okay, this is just not going to happen". Just giving up hope I suppose...And its sad....I don't get excited for a smiley face anymore, I don't get nervous when going for an IUI....Im not on pins and needles to see what my progesterone level is...Maybe I am learning to just roll with everything, and not get worked up...I'm not sure what it is....But man, it feels so weird...
I suppose that is all the rambling I have for tonight.....
Friday, September 26, 2014
Feeling defeated
People don't understand it, and will never know the true pain, and heartache, unless they've experienced it themselves. Just when I think I'm okay, something happens, and my emotions get the best of me. Such as today, I was for feeling frustrated because I didn't have my test results, then I said its okay, I'm sure they are fine, then when I finally got them it was lower than its been in 2 months, and I just start crying, feeling defeated. We only have 4 cycles left to do iui, before we have to do IVF. That's 4 more tries that we get, and it may seem like a good amount, but when Steven and I have been together for over 6 years, and not once had a pregnancy scare....it scares me. IVF alone is over $10,000 each cycle, with insurance not covering a dime.
Why why why did my progesterone level have to be less than 10?!?!
Steven has been working 14 hour days, and now 6 days a week too!! Its hard enough to not see him before going to work in the morning, and only seeing him for less than 2 hours before he leaves for work, but now, he is working 6 days a week!!
Im an emotional mess. I also find it frustrating that when I am struggling emotionally, no one is there. I thought we had a lot of supporters, but I feel people are getting tired of hearing about things. I post stuff on my Facebook, when I am feeling down, and in need of a pick me up, and everyone ignores....I don't understand it.
I am just thankful for my husband, and for this little girl right here.
Monday, September 1, 2014
why??
Well, today I am definitely in a bad mood. And I was yesterday also!!
Today I am currently 11dpIUI (11 days after my IUI)
My progesterone level was 14.8 7 days after my positive OPK, which is the very highest it has ever been!!! So of course, it gave me hope!! Lotssss of it!!
I was in my parents front yard yesterday, and just glancing over at the clovers, then I found a four leaf clover!! I had never ever found one in my life! I kept glancing at them, and ended up finding 2 five leaf clovers! Then I ended up finding all of these!
I took a pregnancy test after finding all of those! I thought man!! Luck is on my side today!! And of course the test malfunctioned on me!! So I go buy a different kind. And well, here is the result. :(
Today I am currently 11dpIUI (11 days after my IUI)
My progesterone level was 14.8 7 days after my positive OPK, which is the very highest it has ever been!!! So of course, it gave me hope!! Lotssss of it!!
I was in my parents front yard yesterday, and just glancing over at the clovers, then I found a four leaf clover!! I had never ever found one in my life! I kept glancing at them, and ended up finding 2 five leaf clovers! Then I ended up finding all of these!
I took a pregnancy test after finding all of those! I thought man!! Luck is on my side today!! And of course the test malfunctioned on me!! So I go buy a different kind. And well, here is the result. :(
So, I try to not let it bother me, but then I can't get ahold of Steven! All night, not one text or call!! Nothing worries me, or stresses me out worse than not getting ahold of him. :( granted he was at work, but still!
And today, I can definitely tell that my period is going to show up at any moment!! Grrrr.
I have been spending time with my family, and I thought it would help me get my mind off my two week wait, but it has not helped! Even when I am doing stuff, I am still thinking about a test! But, when I am with my niece Abby, it definitely helps!
I am hoping my mood gets better, but who knows!
For now, I think I'll have some cheap Chinese food, and a coconut iced white mocha.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Is this really happening?!
My period came at 30 days, rather than 40-45!! This is HUGE success!
Fast forward to day, which is CD8!!
My ovaries, and uterus are KILLING me today!
Today I had my appointment for IUI. Signing papers, and learning what we need to do!! So, when I get a positive OPK, we go in for IUI the very next day!! I am beyond excited, and very nervous!! Steven is also super excited!! I truly feel this is our time, this is our turn, OUR time! We have waited for this, we deserve this!
I am going to Sacramento in 2 weeks from today, and will be ovulating in approximately 1 week from today! Meaning I will be able to find out if I am prego just before I leave Sacramento!! I honestly do not plan on "announcing" until the second trimester, just because the 1st trimester, so many things can go wrong! It would be nice to tell my family in person, but I don't want to tell them before my husband, and I will not tell my husband over the phone! Decisions, decisions!!
Also, if I get a smiley on CD13, that will be Steven and my 8 month wedding anniversary! The 2 OPK's I got were on CD14, and CD15, so it is possible. :)
I cannot believe in about 1 week, we will be doing IUI....This will truly be our miracle baby! <3
The fertility nurse was very happy, and eager for us to do IUI this cycle, rather than waiting!! All of our numbers are excellent! My thyroid, his SA, etc etc!!
At first, I really wanted twins! But now the reality that it may happen due to IUI, it is pretty terrifying, and setting in!! I will be ecstatic, but probably pass out when I find out! It would be lots of fun to have 2 babies at one time, but also double everything! Double cries, double mess, double diapers, double EVERYTHING!! But, oh it would be so much fun to dress them up, one cuddle with mommy, one with daddy, us feeding them at the same time...I am just thinking too much into this!! *Note to self: BREATHE!!*
The moments I cannot wait for the most, is seeing my husbands reaction to finding out I am pregnant, and then when he sees our baby for the first time on an ultrasound, and then his face when the baby is born!! And another moment that I cannot wait for at all, is them putting the baby skin to skin for the very first time!!
Wow, reality never sounded so good, and exciting!! I am getting myself so worked up! In less than 1 year, we could be holding our baby!
Now onto my pinterest to look through pregnancy announcements!! Here is a link to my baby board!! More to be added soon! <3
Baby storming :)
Fast forward to day, which is CD8!!
My ovaries, and uterus are KILLING me today!
Today I had my appointment for IUI. Signing papers, and learning what we need to do!! So, when I get a positive OPK, we go in for IUI the very next day!! I am beyond excited, and very nervous!! Steven is also super excited!! I truly feel this is our time, this is our turn, OUR time! We have waited for this, we deserve this!
I am going to Sacramento in 2 weeks from today, and will be ovulating in approximately 1 week from today! Meaning I will be able to find out if I am prego just before I leave Sacramento!! I honestly do not plan on "announcing" until the second trimester, just because the 1st trimester, so many things can go wrong! It would be nice to tell my family in person, but I don't want to tell them before my husband, and I will not tell my husband over the phone! Decisions, decisions!!
Also, if I get a smiley on CD13, that will be Steven and my 8 month wedding anniversary! The 2 OPK's I got were on CD14, and CD15, so it is possible. :)
I cannot believe in about 1 week, we will be doing IUI....This will truly be our miracle baby! <3
The fertility nurse was very happy, and eager for us to do IUI this cycle, rather than waiting!! All of our numbers are excellent! My thyroid, his SA, etc etc!!
At first, I really wanted twins! But now the reality that it may happen due to IUI, it is pretty terrifying, and setting in!! I will be ecstatic, but probably pass out when I find out! It would be lots of fun to have 2 babies at one time, but also double everything! Double cries, double mess, double diapers, double EVERYTHING!! But, oh it would be so much fun to dress them up, one cuddle with mommy, one with daddy, us feeding them at the same time...I am just thinking too much into this!! *Note to self: BREATHE!!*
The moments I cannot wait for the most, is seeing my husbands reaction to finding out I am pregnant, and then when he sees our baby for the first time on an ultrasound, and then his face when the baby is born!! And another moment that I cannot wait for at all, is them putting the baby skin to skin for the very first time!!
Wow, reality never sounded so good, and exciting!! I am getting myself so worked up! In less than 1 year, we could be holding our baby!
Now onto my pinterest to look through pregnancy announcements!! Here is a link to my baby board!! More to be added soon! <3
Baby storming :)
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Is it really coming?!?!
So,
I have been on an extreme high since getting my results of my progesterone level.....Until a couple days ago!!
I have been cramping like crazy, every single day. At first I tried to be optimistic, and say hmmm... Maybe it is just implantation cramps?!?! So, to put my mind at ease, I googled it....
"Implantation cramps vs PMS cramps" (!!!!) Well, I read that people had the same EXACT cramping during implantation than PMSing. So, it of course is keeping me optimistic...
Well, I have to admit...I have been taking the cheapy pregnancy tests that I got with my OPK's from Ebay......Almost every single day!! Gahhh!!! This TWW is KILLING ME, and driving me INSANE. Of course, all of the tests have been negative...BUT, I have not gotten upset! Which I am proud of myself for....even though it sucks to keep seeing negative!! Grrr....
Tomorrow is 14 days since my positive OPK...But the OPK is just a predictor! Meaning that I ovulated a day or so after that! So, technically I still have a few more days to go!
I am kinda with terms that I am not pregnant this cycle....I am not entirely okay with it, but I know the medication is working, so I know there is definitely hope!!
Also, just have to throw a rant in here, of course!! So, there are 2 ladies at my work, who are super prego, that both smoke cigarettes!! One of the most painful things for me to witness going through infertility! My mom smoked with me, but c'mon....cigarettes are WAY worse with chemicals, preservatives, etc nowadays, then back then!!! It KILLS me!! I just feel SO disgusted, whenever I see them!! I would say something to them, but it would probably not end well, and from what I hear, the one will straight up tell you, she doesn't care!!! Okay, Rant over! :)
Now nice, mushy stuff!
I just am really thankful for having such a great husband!! I know he will be just as excited as I am, the day that we find out we are expecting a miracle, and I know he will be just as good of a daddy, as I a mother. He is a pain in the butt sometimes, but I know there isn't a thing he wouldn't for me, and our family!! I am so thankful for his work ethic, and working 12+ hours a night! It is so hard to sleep every night in an empty bed (Minus my lovely dixie, I would really go crazy without her), but I know he is doing this to support us, and to put a roof over my head, and I honestly could not be more thankful, or more proud of him!! I know I have said this before, but he is my rock!! I will probably have something about him in a lot of my blogs, as he is my husband, and I am much more emotional these days, and could not get through it without him....I could literally think of just how much he truly means to me, and how much I love him, and it brings tears to my eyes!! Now thats some deep feelings!! <3 Our love is insane!! Everything is passionate about us! I love you babe, and here is to forever and ever!!
Just now, Blake shelton came on stage, and as soon as the music started playing, before he even started singing, I started crying!! The song "My eyes". Here, have a listen....Now don't cry like I did!! Gosh, I love my husband! <3
We shall see AF is going to make an appearance....I am sure I will be posting when I know for sure that I am not pregnant...Maybe I am trying to use reverse psychology on myself! Oh man...This life!! This is craziness....
Goodnight everyone!! Thank you for the continued love and prayers, and support!! <3
I have been on an extreme high since getting my results of my progesterone level.....Until a couple days ago!!
I have been cramping like crazy, every single day. At first I tried to be optimistic, and say hmmm... Maybe it is just implantation cramps?!?! So, to put my mind at ease, I googled it....
"Implantation cramps vs PMS cramps" (!!!!) Well, I read that people had the same EXACT cramping during implantation than PMSing. So, it of course is keeping me optimistic...
Well, I have to admit...I have been taking the cheapy pregnancy tests that I got with my OPK's from Ebay......Almost every single day!! Gahhh!!! This TWW is KILLING ME, and driving me INSANE. Of course, all of the tests have been negative...BUT, I have not gotten upset! Which I am proud of myself for....even though it sucks to keep seeing negative!! Grrr....
Tomorrow is 14 days since my positive OPK...But the OPK is just a predictor! Meaning that I ovulated a day or so after that! So, technically I still have a few more days to go!
I am kinda with terms that I am not pregnant this cycle....I am not entirely okay with it, but I know the medication is working, so I know there is definitely hope!!
Also, just have to throw a rant in here, of course!! So, there are 2 ladies at my work, who are super prego, that both smoke cigarettes!! One of the most painful things for me to witness going through infertility! My mom smoked with me, but c'mon....cigarettes are WAY worse with chemicals, preservatives, etc nowadays, then back then!!! It KILLS me!! I just feel SO disgusted, whenever I see them!! I would say something to them, but it would probably not end well, and from what I hear, the one will straight up tell you, she doesn't care!!! Okay, Rant over! :)
Now nice, mushy stuff!
I just am really thankful for having such a great husband!! I know he will be just as excited as I am, the day that we find out we are expecting a miracle, and I know he will be just as good of a daddy, as I a mother. He is a pain in the butt sometimes, but I know there isn't a thing he wouldn't for me, and our family!! I am so thankful for his work ethic, and working 12+ hours a night! It is so hard to sleep every night in an empty bed (Minus my lovely dixie, I would really go crazy without her), but I know he is doing this to support us, and to put a roof over my head, and I honestly could not be more thankful, or more proud of him!! I know I have said this before, but he is my rock!! I will probably have something about him in a lot of my blogs, as he is my husband, and I am much more emotional these days, and could not get through it without him....I could literally think of just how much he truly means to me, and how much I love him, and it brings tears to my eyes!! Now thats some deep feelings!! <3 Our love is insane!! Everything is passionate about us! I love you babe, and here is to forever and ever!!
Just now, Blake shelton came on stage, and as soon as the music started playing, before he even started singing, I started crying!! The song "My eyes". Here, have a listen....Now don't cry like I did!! Gosh, I love my husband! <3
We shall see AF is going to make an appearance....I am sure I will be posting when I know for sure that I am not pregnant...Maybe I am trying to use reverse psychology on myself! Oh man...This life!! This is craziness....
Goodnight everyone!! Thank you for the continued love and prayers, and support!! <3
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Could it be??
Since my last post, I have gotten so much good news, I feel so wonderful!!!
I took my Letrozole from CD3-7, and started my OPK's on CD 11. I bought some cheapies from Ebay, because I was going to be testing twice a day, all the way until CD35, or so, trying to get a positive OPK! And well $36 for 20 clear blue tests is just spendy to be doing twice a day, for that long of a period!!
So, they arrived in 2 days, and I was so thrilled!! I started testing with the cheapies, and did not get any type of line, then tested a couple more days, and then one morning, I said to myself....I need to do a clear blue today. They are obviously much easier to read, as it will be a smiley face, or no smiley face!
It was CD15....So after I wake up, I go to the bathroom, pee in my cup, dip the stick, same routine....Wait around while it is flashing, and loading the results....
Then BAM....Smiley face appears!!!! It was like an instant magnet to my face!! I swear I was smiling ear to ear!! I was beyond excited!!!
I go into the living room, where my husband is watching TV, hand him the test with a ridiculously big smile on my face. He doesn't quite get it at first, then realizes, and gives me a big smile, and tells me congratulations baby. I said babe......we HAVE to do it!! I don't care if I am late to work!! And well then, I'm sure you know where it went from there!! And, I certainly was late for work!! Oops. ;) But I have never, and will never put work before starting my family!
That was last Wednesday. July 23rd. It was a great day! I have since been feeling flutter feelings near my uterus, almost like a muscle moving, or a sensation, I am not sure what it is, or how to explain it!! I have also been having some cramping from my ovary! Yay, my ovaries are actually working!!! I am just so happy that I am functioning this cycle!! I have never felt any of these feelings, and I KNOW that is a good thing!!
I also realized I missed my therapist appointment...It has been 5 or 6 weeks since I have seen her. Some days are a little hard, but I think I am really really at a good point! I didn't even notice I missed my appoint until like 2 weeks after I missed it!! That makes me feel good that I am not needing that right now at this point!!
So, fast forward to today!! 1 week after my positive OPK....Progesterone test day.......The day I love, but the day I dread! I have really horrible veins!! They can either not tell which direction it is going, or can't feel it, or are just not very smart!! So today I get off work super early, at 7am..The lab opens at 8...I can go and wait until they open, and be one of the first ones they see...But then I decided that wont be the best idea, as I don't want to be the first one they see, since I have horrible veins as it is, I want to make sure they are FULLY awake before poking me....May seem kinda silly, but its true!! I know how I am when I take my first couple phone calls of the morning. ;)
I decided to go wash my car, and kill some time...I go in and sit in the chair, she feels around on one arm, doesn't feel much, then goes to the other arm, doesn't feel much, and then goes back to the first arm.....She was attempting to feel the top of my hand...no no no. That is a no touch zone. I tell her which vein they get it from, if they can't get it from the preferred vein...She then proceeds to get it from the one I told her. Man, I really hate needles!! And it was like this time, she was not holding it right, and it took FOREVER to take the blood out, it was horrible. Maybe I am just over exaggerating, but ugh!!
So this was about 9:45am this morning. I anxiously waited until 4:30pm to call about my results....The results were in.....
(Insert drum roll here)
My progesterone level is 13.4!!! Can you believe that?!?! 13.4!!!! I was smiling ear to ear!! I said thank you, with the most happy, giddy tone, and the nurse on the other end could DEFINITELY hear how happy I was!! So then I tell my husband, He gives me a nice firm hug, with a kiss, and rubs my belly! <3 Gosh I love that man!! I cannot wait until I am pregnant, because I really love how he has been rubbing my belly!
I truly feel this is our time. I am anxiously waiting one more week to take a pregnancy test!! Please, Please, everyone keep praying for us, and keep us in your most happy thoughts!!
I have been eating MUCH healthier, and going on walks, and just in a much better mood, and feeling very hopeful, and positive!! I feel this is the time. This is the cycle. It is our turn now! :)
Monday, July 21, 2014
Realizing things....
I am not blogging as much as I would like, but here is goes. Lots of random rambling once again! :)
Well, this was my second cycle on Femara (Letrozole), and first cycle on the higher dose of 7.5mg. I am currently on CD13, no smiley face OPK just yet....I am hopeful!!! I am hoping that 5 days of 3 little yellow pills will do the trick this time around!! Even if it doesn't end in a BFP (Big fat positive) I just want to know it is working, and making me ovulate!! Even though I have tattoos, I really do not like the idea of injecting myself with needles....I don't want to have to go that route, although I obviously will do whatever it takes, to achieve my goal of becoming a mom!!
So, to motivate me even more...I have come up with this theory.....It may seem kind of silly, but I really think it is going to help me, and motivate me to walk every evening....
Well, this was my second cycle on Femara (Letrozole), and first cycle on the higher dose of 7.5mg. I am currently on CD13, no smiley face OPK just yet....I am hopeful!!! I am hoping that 5 days of 3 little yellow pills will do the trick this time around!! Even if it doesn't end in a BFP (Big fat positive) I just want to know it is working, and making me ovulate!! Even though I have tattoos, I really do not like the idea of injecting myself with needles....I don't want to have to go that route, although I obviously will do whatever it takes, to achieve my goal of becoming a mom!!
Here is a pic of my final 3 pills on CD7....
A little goofy...but hopefully the last 3 little yellow pills I have to take....
The past few days have been a bit harder than other days....A friend of mine had her baby on Friday, and my cousin just had her baby today, and another friend had her baby almost 2 weeks ago, so it has just been back to back! Along with pregnancy announcements, gender announcements, and now a bunch of new baby posts, and pictures!! Its hard!! I am very happy for all of them, but gahhh!!! It makes things so much harder!!
But today, I realized....I really really REALLYYYY need to focus on the NOW and not worry and stress over things...It is really really hard, but I need to...no I HAVE to focus on the now!! I need to focus on my health, and on my marriage!!
Tonight I went for a walk with my Dixie girl! It was a nice walk, and I forgot how nice it was to get out, and walk, listening to music in my ears!! The sun was setting, the temperature was perfect, I could feel my mood getting better!!
So, to motivate me even more...I have come up with this theory.....It may seem kind of silly, but I really think it is going to help me, and motivate me to walk every evening....
I am in love with sunsets, and love watching the colors develop as the sun sets...So, here is my theory.....
As the sun is setting, I am going to think of it as mine and my husbands future baby, smiling down on me, letting me know that my time is coming soon...And to not lose hope, because as the sun goes down, it only gets prettier!! Like just as we are going through a hard time, thinking it is not going to get better, and then things look up, and it gets better! Just like a sunset, the more the sun goes down, the prettier, and more beautiful it becomes! Here is the first night of sunsets which made me think of this theory!
As the sun set tonight, it only got more and more amazing!! I will be taking pictures of the sunset every night....Call me crazy, but this picture just seems like a heart, with hands around it. Or like a mothers belly being held, definitely something that strikes me, and makes me feel very hopeful!
I just really want to say that I am so very thankful, and happy with all the continued support of my friends and family, and if you are reading this, then you truly are one of the ones I am talking about!! It means so much to me!!
I especially want to thank my husband for being my strength, because I definitely could not do this without him!! We may not see each other due to our lovely opposite work schedules, but I know he is there for me, and loves me unconditionally, and I cannot wait to make him a dad, because I know he is going to be an amazing daddy!! <3
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
So much going on....
I haven't wrote a blog in a few weeks! So here goes ALOT or rambling, and emotions!!!
I was FINALLY prescribed medication on June 2nd. I was given Letrozole, or Femara as name brand! She prescribed me 5mg, to take for cycle days 3-7....
This was the first time in a long time that I felt hopeful!! I had read so many blogs, and reviews, etc on people ovulating, AND conceiving on their very first round of Letrozole, even after many failed IUI's, and IVF's, and rounds of clomid, etc!! I felt so happy, and felt like it was finally happening, and coming together...I did not have any negative in my mind at all!! When I was meeting with my therapist, I wouldn't even say the words "I know it MAY not happen the first round" because I wanted NO negative thoughts in my mind at all!! I was 100% positive, this was OUR time, and everything was FINALLY coming together!!!
First, I am just going to tell a story....
So, I leave Kaiser, so happy to have my medication, and drive to walmart to buy my OPK's....
I also bought a little pouch of TGI friday mudslide, the little $2 ones you freeze....As I was at the register, the cashier asks me for my ID, and then looks down to my bag, that already had the OPK's in it, then back up and me, then to the alcohol...And this is how it goes...
Her:"Wow, alcohol and pregnancy tests, huh?!"
Me "No, they are ovulation tests!"
Her: "Oh, so you want one?"
Me: Yes, I do.
Her: "Oh there are too many kids in this world"
Me: Well, they make it so hard for those who can't have kids to adopt, so.."
And she can tell in my voice I am FURIOUS! She tries to turn it around and say
"Well, I wish you well in whatever you decide to do."
Really lady?!?!! I am not one to complain about service, ever!! I went outside, called the store, and asked the manager to come outside and talk to me, and I let him have a little piece of my mind about the cashier!! He said he would have a talk with her. Me working customer service, I cannot just tell some sneaker head that didn't get the newest Jordan release because our site crashed "Dude, chill out, they are just shoes!!" No matter how much I want to, I am in the customer service business, and have to be professional!!
I have not been back since then!!
And then came the wait from cycle day 7-11 until I start using OPK's for CD11-20... (CD means cycle day, for all of you who may not know)
Well, finally CD11 came, and went, and then every morning, pee in a cup, take the test, wait for result....no smiley face!! :( Well, on CD22, I went in for my progesterone test....I hate doing that, they can never find my vein, and it is just frustrating!!
Well, I had no side effects, whatsoever...which was a good thing....
Well, I just got my results, and the level for my progesterone is .1!! Yes, POINT ONE!! The lowest it has been over the past 5 months of testing!! Talk about discouraging!!
I am waiting on pins and needles to hear back from my Dr, to see if she is going to up my dosage, or what we are going to do!! I really hate needles,but I think I really want to do the trigger shot, and injectables, or whatever we need to do!!!
I was going to cancel my therapy appointments, as I was in a better place....Or so I thought!! Until all of this recent news!! It just throws me back to the same place I was to begin with, and I hate it, I wish things were different, I wish I could be mentally stronger, and more stable about this!! Its small things that break me down! One day I will be fine, and the next I am just not dealing with it well.
Tomorrow is my therapy, and I am hoping to feel a little better....I just gotta keep the goal in mind, and try to be positive, but everyone that is pregnant on my Facebook is having their babies, and/or due within the next month to 6 weeks!! Its driving me crazy!!!
But, my sister sends me video's of my niece when I am having a bad day! She truly brightens my day, and makes me almost forget about everything!! <3
I was FINALLY prescribed medication on June 2nd. I was given Letrozole, or Femara as name brand! She prescribed me 5mg, to take for cycle days 3-7....
This was the first time in a long time that I felt hopeful!! I had read so many blogs, and reviews, etc on people ovulating, AND conceiving on their very first round of Letrozole, even after many failed IUI's, and IVF's, and rounds of clomid, etc!! I felt so happy, and felt like it was finally happening, and coming together...I did not have any negative in my mind at all!! When I was meeting with my therapist, I wouldn't even say the words "I know it MAY not happen the first round" because I wanted NO negative thoughts in my mind at all!! I was 100% positive, this was OUR time, and everything was FINALLY coming together!!!
First, I am just going to tell a story....
So, I leave Kaiser, so happy to have my medication, and drive to walmart to buy my OPK's....
I also bought a little pouch of TGI friday mudslide, the little $2 ones you freeze....As I was at the register, the cashier asks me for my ID, and then looks down to my bag, that already had the OPK's in it, then back up and me, then to the alcohol...And this is how it goes...
Her:"Wow, alcohol and pregnancy tests, huh?!"
Me "No, they are ovulation tests!"
Her: "Oh, so you want one?"
Me: Yes, I do.
Her: "Oh there are too many kids in this world"
Me: Well, they make it so hard for those who can't have kids to adopt, so.."
And she can tell in my voice I am FURIOUS! She tries to turn it around and say
"Well, I wish you well in whatever you decide to do."
Really lady?!?!! I am not one to complain about service, ever!! I went outside, called the store, and asked the manager to come outside and talk to me, and I let him have a little piece of my mind about the cashier!! He said he would have a talk with her. Me working customer service, I cannot just tell some sneaker head that didn't get the newest Jordan release because our site crashed "Dude, chill out, they are just shoes!!" No matter how much I want to, I am in the customer service business, and have to be professional!!
I have not been back since then!!
And then came the wait from cycle day 7-11 until I start using OPK's for CD11-20... (CD means cycle day, for all of you who may not know)
Well, finally CD11 came, and went, and then every morning, pee in a cup, take the test, wait for result....no smiley face!! :( Well, on CD22, I went in for my progesterone test....I hate doing that, they can never find my vein, and it is just frustrating!!
Well, I had no side effects, whatsoever...which was a good thing....
Well, I just got my results, and the level for my progesterone is .1!! Yes, POINT ONE!! The lowest it has been over the past 5 months of testing!! Talk about discouraging!!
I am waiting on pins and needles to hear back from my Dr, to see if she is going to up my dosage, or what we are going to do!! I really hate needles,but I think I really want to do the trigger shot, and injectables, or whatever we need to do!!!
I was going to cancel my therapy appointments, as I was in a better place....Or so I thought!! Until all of this recent news!! It just throws me back to the same place I was to begin with, and I hate it, I wish things were different, I wish I could be mentally stronger, and more stable about this!! Its small things that break me down! One day I will be fine, and the next I am just not dealing with it well.
Tomorrow is my therapy, and I am hoping to feel a little better....I just gotta keep the goal in mind, and try to be positive, but everyone that is pregnant on my Facebook is having their babies, and/or due within the next month to 6 weeks!! Its driving me crazy!!!
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Finally getting somewhere!!!
Well....
Tomorrow is the day......
The day I have been waiting for, for what seems like forever!!!
I FINALLY get prescribed medication to help me ovulate!!!!
The medication I am being prescribed which is Letrozole, also known as Femara is actually for breast cancer in women after menopause...Which kinda has me freaked out.....But I have read, and heard SOO many success stories about it!! And it makes it sooo hard not to get my hopes up when I read that people have been TTC for years, and on their first cycle of Letrozole, they conceive!! I know this isn't a typical result, but oh my gosh!! I can't help but get my hopes up!! I wouldn't have my hopes so high, if there were other complications going on!! But, my husbands SA is nearly PERFECT!! My tubes, and uterus are just how they should be, and the ONLY problem we got going right now, is that I am not ovulating every month...Some months, yes....But mainly not....
Womp wompppp!!! D:
But I am superrr hopeful, but I have also been a nervous wreck!! I was down the 10lbs on Friday morning, and well, I have been still eating super healthy, going on daily walks, and my weight has been going up and down, so I am VERY nervous for tomorrow, and stressed!!!
And I am super bloated, and miss aunt flow decided to visit me yesterday, obviously bad timing, but glad she held off long enough for me to shed the 10lbs, so I don't have to wait a whole nother cycle before medication!!
I really hope my Dr, doesn't try to hassle me for the last POUND!! I have been walking AT LEAST a mile every single day, and even jogging a little more each day during my walk!!
This all feels so surreal right now, that I can't even explain how happy I am!! I get really emotional when I think about it.....I am really, finally, getting on the medication!! It is so hard to believe, that it almost seems to good to be true!!
I also cannot believe how many people we have supporting, praying, and rooting for us!! That in itself is overwhelming!! I feel truly blessed, and just one thing missing!! <3
Also, I have to admit......
I bought my first baby item a week or so ago....It is the most cutest outfit, and I love owls, and I just had to have it!! I saw it a couple months ago at Fred Meyer, for $20, my husband thought I was crazy, because we obviously don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl, but I had to have it!! I wanted it badly, but I didn't get it!! Well, we were there, and I went to the baby section, of course, and was looking for that one specifically...Well, they had ONE left, literally!! In size 0-3, which obviously would be the ideal size to buy something in!!! And it was marked down to $10!! I really had to get it this time!! I told my husband, I don't care if you think I am crazy, I have to get this!!! So, it has been hanging in my closet, and I use it as a motivation! I am not going crazy, and buying tons of stuff, this is the only item. I have, and plan on having! Until we are actually pregnant, of course!! Its super cute, right?!?! And on the sides of the little shoes are a super cute flower! I am in love!!
Tomorrow is the day......
The day I have been waiting for, for what seems like forever!!!
I FINALLY get prescribed medication to help me ovulate!!!!
The medication I am being prescribed which is Letrozole, also known as Femara is actually for breast cancer in women after menopause...Which kinda has me freaked out.....But I have read, and heard SOO many success stories about it!! And it makes it sooo hard not to get my hopes up when I read that people have been TTC for years, and on their first cycle of Letrozole, they conceive!! I know this isn't a typical result, but oh my gosh!! I can't help but get my hopes up!! I wouldn't have my hopes so high, if there were other complications going on!! But, my husbands SA is nearly PERFECT!! My tubes, and uterus are just how they should be, and the ONLY problem we got going right now, is that I am not ovulating every month...Some months, yes....But mainly not....
Womp wompppp!!! D:
But I am superrr hopeful, but I have also been a nervous wreck!! I was down the 10lbs on Friday morning, and well, I have been still eating super healthy, going on daily walks, and my weight has been going up and down, so I am VERY nervous for tomorrow, and stressed!!!
And I am super bloated, and miss aunt flow decided to visit me yesterday, obviously bad timing, but glad she held off long enough for me to shed the 10lbs, so I don't have to wait a whole nother cycle before medication!!
I really hope my Dr, doesn't try to hassle me for the last POUND!! I have been walking AT LEAST a mile every single day, and even jogging a little more each day during my walk!!
This all feels so surreal right now, that I can't even explain how happy I am!! I get really emotional when I think about it.....I am really, finally, getting on the medication!! It is so hard to believe, that it almost seems to good to be true!!
I also cannot believe how many people we have supporting, praying, and rooting for us!! That in itself is overwhelming!! I feel truly blessed, and just one thing missing!! <3
Also, I have to admit......
I bought my first baby item a week or so ago....It is the most cutest outfit, and I love owls, and I just had to have it!! I saw it a couple months ago at Fred Meyer, for $20, my husband thought I was crazy, because we obviously don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl, but I had to have it!! I wanted it badly, but I didn't get it!! Well, we were there, and I went to the baby section, of course, and was looking for that one specifically...Well, they had ONE left, literally!! In size 0-3, which obviously would be the ideal size to buy something in!!! And it was marked down to $10!! I really had to get it this time!! I told my husband, I don't care if you think I am crazy, I have to get this!!! So, it has been hanging in my closet, and I use it as a motivation! I am not going crazy, and buying tons of stuff, this is the only item. I have, and plan on having! Until we are actually pregnant, of course!! Its super cute, right?!?! And on the sides of the little shoes are a super cute flower! I am in love!!
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Still trucking along.....kinda
Well, I thought it is time to do another blog post!
Today I had my second therapy session with a really nice lady! She has lots of experience, and works closely with infertility, and the bariatric department!! Sounds perfect, right?!!
I really enjoy having hour long talks with someone who has lots of experience in both of the fields I struggle with....Weight, and infertility. It is a breath of fresh air to just let all my frustrations of the previous 2 weeks out, and let it go.
I have also been reading this book. It is so awesome. It is on point, and almost makes me want to cry because the author gets it!! She has been working and studying infertility for 16 years before publishing it!! I strongly encourage you to give it a read!!
I have been able to let things go more easily, and not let others get the best of me!! I am focusing on myself, and my health, and my well being, and keeping my goal close to my heart, and always in my mind!! It is what fuels me!!
I also have been eating much much healthier!! Cucumbers have been my favorite!! When out to eat somewhere, which I have been trying to avoid, I opt for much healthier choices, such as a sandwich loaded with veggies, and fruit, over a hamburger and fries!! Always drinking water of course! My downfall has been sushi!! My goodness, that is my weekness!! Minus the rice, it is just veggies, and fish, so it can't be THAT bad, right?! I also don't like all the sushi drenched in sauces, so that's a plus side....
-----------------------
Post from today
5/24/14
Well, I emailed my Dr yesterday, letting her know that I am down 6lbs!! I only need 4 more to go before she is going to prescribe me medication!!!........Or so that is what we agreed on.....She emailed me back saying let her know when I am down the last 4, and she will CONSIDER it.......Are you kidding me?? "CONSIDER" it?!?!
Today I also walked about a mile and a quarter....It feels good to get a burn, and sweat, and be determined, and want something really bad!! I keep reminding myself of it throughout my walk when my calves are burning, and I want to just stop for a minute!
But what sucks is to feel like you are in the battle alone!!! My husband just doesn't get it, and it is frustrating me!!!
I was doing very well Thursday, but then after that is was all downhill! I am getting discouraged, but determined to keep going!!! I just wish I felt differently!!
My husband and I have also picked out the names for our future baby!! I almost wish I had twins, 1 boy, 1 girl so that I could use both of the names we picked because I love them so much!!
This post is really all over the place, but I just have so many thoughts going in and out of my head...I hope all of this subsides, and I feel "normal" tomorrow!!
Today I had my second therapy session with a really nice lady! She has lots of experience, and works closely with infertility, and the bariatric department!! Sounds perfect, right?!!
I really enjoy having hour long talks with someone who has lots of experience in both of the fields I struggle with....Weight, and infertility. It is a breath of fresh air to just let all my frustrations of the previous 2 weeks out, and let it go.
I have also been reading this book. It is so awesome. It is on point, and almost makes me want to cry because the author gets it!! She has been working and studying infertility for 16 years before publishing it!! I strongly encourage you to give it a read!! I have been able to let things go more easily, and not let others get the best of me!! I am focusing on myself, and my health, and my well being, and keeping my goal close to my heart, and always in my mind!! It is what fuels me!!
I also have been eating much much healthier!! Cucumbers have been my favorite!! When out to eat somewhere, which I have been trying to avoid, I opt for much healthier choices, such as a sandwich loaded with veggies, and fruit, over a hamburger and fries!! Always drinking water of course! My downfall has been sushi!! My goodness, that is my weekness!! Minus the rice, it is just veggies, and fish, so it can't be THAT bad, right?! I also don't like all the sushi drenched in sauces, so that's a plus side....
-----------------------
Post from today
5/24/14
Well, I emailed my Dr yesterday, letting her know that I am down 6lbs!! I only need 4 more to go before she is going to prescribe me medication!!!........Or so that is what we agreed on.....She emailed me back saying let her know when I am down the last 4, and she will CONSIDER it.......Are you kidding me?? "CONSIDER" it?!?!
Today I also walked about a mile and a quarter....It feels good to get a burn, and sweat, and be determined, and want something really bad!! I keep reminding myself of it throughout my walk when my calves are burning, and I want to just stop for a minute!
But what sucks is to feel like you are in the battle alone!!! My husband just doesn't get it, and it is frustrating me!!!
I was doing very well Thursday, but then after that is was all downhill! I am getting discouraged, but determined to keep going!!! I just wish I felt differently!!
My husband and I have also picked out the names for our future baby!! I almost wish I had twins, 1 boy, 1 girl so that I could use both of the names we picked because I love them so much!!
This post is really all over the place, but I just have so many thoughts going in and out of my head...I hope all of this subsides, and I feel "normal" tomorrow!!
Friday, April 25, 2014
About me and my journey so far......
So in my very first blog about my infertility I thought I would post a little about me for those who don't know me, and then give my first actual blog post as well!
I am 23, my husband is 27. We have been together for just under 6 years. We have never done anything to "prevent" pregnancy, it just never happened. Well, we have been wanting a baby for quite some time.....It just never happened....Well, we got married in December, and once I was insured we made a Dr appointment right away to see what was going on. I made an appointment with a regular Dr, and was referred to an OB for infertility care. We had our in-take appointment, which is lots of questions about both of us. She scheduled us for lots of lab tests, and we had another appointment for after our labs were back in so we could see what our treatment plan was going to be.
Our appointment was on Valentines day.....The Dr came in, and all she told us was our test results, which we were already given, and told me I need to lose 30lbs, and refused any treatment to me.
I was so devastated that she was so insensitive, and the way she acted towards us was something a couple should never have to feel with starting infertility care. We spoke with the head nurse about our concerns, and got our co-pay back! She said she would be getting us a second opinion.....I felt hopeful after speaking with her for a little bit, she made my tears disappear!! We left the office with some hope that we would be getting treatment soon!
About a week or so later, I received a phone call from Luanna.....She was so wonderful! She was a nurse at the other office where I would be receiving my second opinion. We talked for over a half hour about the process, and what she thought, and really truly gave me hope. Over the next month or so, I would call and make sure of what I was supposed to be doing, we had labs to do, and were to call and make an appointment once we are done with the labs!
I had my HSG test on Feb 28th. That was very painful, it took the Dr quite a few tries to get a clear "picture" to get through to my cervix, and had me move a couple times, and they wouldn't even let my husband sit in for support while inserting it, before the X-ray!! The lady was standing over me, and kept talking when all I wanted to do was lay there in silence while the Dr seemed to not know what he was doing!! I was frustrated!! Well, they took the X-rays, everything looked perfectly fine! No issues with my tubes, or uterus, or anything! I was relieved and excited!! My husband got to come in and see the pictures of my X-rays, he was very excited as well! We left the Dr happy, but I was very cranky, and crampy to the max!! I remember just wanting to go curl in a ball, and sleep! I felt so crampy, and also bad pain! But I was sure glad and happy it was over with, and that everything was clear!
My husband had had a high fever recently, and his first SA was not a good one, so we had to wait one month to get the new SA. We finally were able to take the SA in, and the results were really really great!!
In the mean time, I am using OPK's from CD12-CD20, and hoping for a smiley face! My very first month using them, I got a smiley face, and I was ecstatic, because I had used OPK's a long long time ago, and never had a positive one! I felt hopeful, we had timed intercourse, etc and then a couple weeks later, AF obviously made her appearance. Also, taking my progesterone blood lab on CD21, or 7 days after my smiley face.
My progesterone level for my first CD21 test was only .3, which is extremely low!! My next progesterone which was 7 days after my smiley face, was 5.7. I was so excited to know that I ovulated!! Then my most recent CD21 progesterone was .7. When I saw the results online, I was just puzzled!! How could I ovulate one month, but not the next?! All the tests I had taken were normal, BUT my progesterone.
I felt so much hope when I got this smiley face on the OPK! Even though it wasn't a pregnancy test, it was some type of positive test, that made me SO happy, and meant we were going in the right direction! I always hate going to have my blood sucked, as they can't find my normal vein, so they take it from my forearm. This last blood draw gave me a bruise the size of a half dollar, and it seriously lasted for 2 weeks!! Everytime I looked down at it, it made me feel sad, and reminded me of my struggle! I was so glad when it was gone!
I called the first couple days into April to make my second opinion appointment, and the first available appointment was April 21st! Not on my day off, and my appointment is about an hour away! Meaning I would have to miss work if I couldn't get the day off! I immediately requested for it, but spent the next 2 weeks anticipating if my time off would be approved! I was at 6 points at work, and if I had to call in, it would put me at 7 points, and well, at 8 points I get fired!! I felt so discouraged, and tested. Like I had to choose between my job, or trying to start a family!! Well, one week before my appointment, my time off got denied!! I was so upset!! I was not able to get the day off at all, so my husband and I talked about it, and we obviously made the decision that I was going to call in, and get another point at work!!
That week drug on! It felt like it took forever!! I just wanted Monday to be here already!! Monday finally came!! I had to go alone, as my appointment was at 10am, and my husband is sound asleep at that hour. I made it there, and finally found my way into the OBGYN/Fertility area. I waited for what seemed like forever!! When the Dr finally came in, she seemed as if she didn't know what I wanted! I let her know what was going on, and again, just like the last Dr, she refused me treatment until I lost 10lbs! She really wants 13, but will settle for 10! Now, that isn't really a lot, but it is almost like a blackmail thing to me! Like "we know what you want, but we aren't going to give it to you until you give us what we want, which is you losing weight!" I had the same feelings all over again!! But this time, I was alone, no husband there for support. I actually spoke up for myself, and we argued back and fourth! She seemed more personable than the last, and when all was said and done I didn't feel as mad as my first appointment. She said to email her when I lose the 10lbs, and she will have me come in for a pelvic exam, and then she will give me medication to help me ovulate, and we will go from there!! I almost want to skip the timed intercourse after getting medication, and go straight to IUI, but I know that is MUCH more stressful!!!
I have been SO overwhelmed and stressed out with dealing with this. I know in the end it will all be worth the struggle, and journey, but right now it is just down right difficult to handle!! The last 2 nights I have cried a whole great deal, due to other people announcing their pregnancies, and just the reality of what is really going on. I am SO thankful for my husband, and my family!! They have been so supportive, but it is sad because they don't know what it feels like, so they can't truly understand what I am going through, and it hurts them to see me hurting so bad, and they wish they had the words and the power to make me feel better, and that hurts me that they are hurting!! I just hope and wish and pray that my journey will soon be complete, and I just really hope that I will be a mommy soon!!
I want to thank everyone for supporting me and my husband Steven in our journey, and always being encouraging throughout this!! It means so much to know how many people are pulling for us to conceive a precious miracle!! <3 I am going to be blogging as much as I can, as it is seeming to be helping with my feelings a bit!!
I am 23, my husband is 27. We have been together for just under 6 years. We have never done anything to "prevent" pregnancy, it just never happened. Well, we have been wanting a baby for quite some time.....It just never happened....Well, we got married in December, and once I was insured we made a Dr appointment right away to see what was going on. I made an appointment with a regular Dr, and was referred to an OB for infertility care. We had our in-take appointment, which is lots of questions about both of us. She scheduled us for lots of lab tests, and we had another appointment for after our labs were back in so we could see what our treatment plan was going to be.
Our appointment was on Valentines day.....The Dr came in, and all she told us was our test results, which we were already given, and told me I need to lose 30lbs, and refused any treatment to me.
I was so devastated that she was so insensitive, and the way she acted towards us was something a couple should never have to feel with starting infertility care. We spoke with the head nurse about our concerns, and got our co-pay back! She said she would be getting us a second opinion.....I felt hopeful after speaking with her for a little bit, she made my tears disappear!! We left the office with some hope that we would be getting treatment soon!
About a week or so later, I received a phone call from Luanna.....She was so wonderful! She was a nurse at the other office where I would be receiving my second opinion. We talked for over a half hour about the process, and what she thought, and really truly gave me hope. Over the next month or so, I would call and make sure of what I was supposed to be doing, we had labs to do, and were to call and make an appointment once we are done with the labs!
I had my HSG test on Feb 28th. That was very painful, it took the Dr quite a few tries to get a clear "picture" to get through to my cervix, and had me move a couple times, and they wouldn't even let my husband sit in for support while inserting it, before the X-ray!! The lady was standing over me, and kept talking when all I wanted to do was lay there in silence while the Dr seemed to not know what he was doing!! I was frustrated!! Well, they took the X-rays, everything looked perfectly fine! No issues with my tubes, or uterus, or anything! I was relieved and excited!! My husband got to come in and see the pictures of my X-rays, he was very excited as well! We left the Dr happy, but I was very cranky, and crampy to the max!! I remember just wanting to go curl in a ball, and sleep! I felt so crampy, and also bad pain! But I was sure glad and happy it was over with, and that everything was clear!
My husband had had a high fever recently, and his first SA was not a good one, so we had to wait one month to get the new SA. We finally were able to take the SA in, and the results were really really great!!
In the mean time, I am using OPK's from CD12-CD20, and hoping for a smiley face! My very first month using them, I got a smiley face, and I was ecstatic, because I had used OPK's a long long time ago, and never had a positive one! I felt hopeful, we had timed intercourse, etc and then a couple weeks later, AF obviously made her appearance. Also, taking my progesterone blood lab on CD21, or 7 days after my smiley face.
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| Very First :) OPK!! |
I called the first couple days into April to make my second opinion appointment, and the first available appointment was April 21st! Not on my day off, and my appointment is about an hour away! Meaning I would have to miss work if I couldn't get the day off! I immediately requested for it, but spent the next 2 weeks anticipating if my time off would be approved! I was at 6 points at work, and if I had to call in, it would put me at 7 points, and well, at 8 points I get fired!! I felt so discouraged, and tested. Like I had to choose between my job, or trying to start a family!! Well, one week before my appointment, my time off got denied!! I was so upset!! I was not able to get the day off at all, so my husband and I talked about it, and we obviously made the decision that I was going to call in, and get another point at work!!
That week drug on! It felt like it took forever!! I just wanted Monday to be here already!! Monday finally came!! I had to go alone, as my appointment was at 10am, and my husband is sound asleep at that hour. I made it there, and finally found my way into the OBGYN/Fertility area. I waited for what seemed like forever!! When the Dr finally came in, she seemed as if she didn't know what I wanted! I let her know what was going on, and again, just like the last Dr, she refused me treatment until I lost 10lbs! She really wants 13, but will settle for 10! Now, that isn't really a lot, but it is almost like a blackmail thing to me! Like "we know what you want, but we aren't going to give it to you until you give us what we want, which is you losing weight!" I had the same feelings all over again!! But this time, I was alone, no husband there for support. I actually spoke up for myself, and we argued back and fourth! She seemed more personable than the last, and when all was said and done I didn't feel as mad as my first appointment. She said to email her when I lose the 10lbs, and she will have me come in for a pelvic exam, and then she will give me medication to help me ovulate, and we will go from there!! I almost want to skip the timed intercourse after getting medication, and go straight to IUI, but I know that is MUCH more stressful!!!
I have been SO overwhelmed and stressed out with dealing with this. I know in the end it will all be worth the struggle, and journey, but right now it is just down right difficult to handle!! The last 2 nights I have cried a whole great deal, due to other people announcing their pregnancies, and just the reality of what is really going on. I am SO thankful for my husband, and my family!! They have been so supportive, but it is sad because they don't know what it feels like, so they can't truly understand what I am going through, and it hurts them to see me hurting so bad, and they wish they had the words and the power to make me feel better, and that hurts me that they are hurting!! I just hope and wish and pray that my journey will soon be complete, and I just really hope that I will be a mommy soon!!
I want to thank everyone for supporting me and my husband Steven in our journey, and always being encouraging throughout this!! It means so much to know how many people are pulling for us to conceive a precious miracle!! <3 I am going to be blogging as much as I can, as it is seeming to be helping with my feelings a bit!!
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