Is this our time??

One week ago today, we did our 3rd IUI. Hopefully our final one.

Today, I did my progesterone test. I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that the phlebotomist knows me on a first name basis, because I am in there every single month, sometimes multiple times a month.....He also always asks how my husband is....

I'm getting a little sad, and frustrated. I remember I used to get soooo beyond excited when I would get a smiley face, and now that I am 28 days, for the last 3 months, and 29 days the one before that, my cycle is SO predictable!! It used to be between 39-45ish days, so it was a mess...But now it is normal!!! I am happy that it is finally normal, but I don't even get happy when I get the smiley faces now...Because I know I am ovulating every month....But I gotta take them, to get the surge, so the IUI is done on the correct day...It is also just like automatic for me... On CD11, in the morning when I wake up, gotta do my OPK, even though I know it won't have a smiley face until CD14.....And of course, on CD14 is the day I get the smiley face....I am expecting it, knowing it will be there, so I am not surprised when it happens...

This month, I had an ultrasound of my ovaries, to see the follicles, to time out the IUI...Well, had my test on a Monday, and they said okay...IUI is scheduled for Thursday...Which was the exact same as it would have been just going by the OPK's, but of course, I was paranoid, and had to do the OPK's leading up to that day...and sure enough, I got a smiley face on CD14, which was Wednesday, which lines up perfectly with our already scheduled IUI!! So, I felt at ease. My body WAS right on time, doing exactly what it needed to do.

Now fast forward 1 week, and I am usually on pins and needles, calling the DR 100 times to see if my progesterone level is in...But this time, its just different...Today, I have hardly even thought about it, after getting my blood drawn....This whole cycle has felt different....

Maybe I have given up hope...Maybe not...It is just all so overwhelming, and I am tired of getting my hopes up just to be heartbroken every 28 days!

This is how my cycle goes....When AF arrives, it is usually on a Thursday, and I have to start medication on CD3 which is Saturday, so I panic about trying to get a hold of my DR, so I can get my prescription ordered, as 90% of the time, the pharmacy does not have it. Then CD 3-7 take Femara (Letrozole), Then CD11 start doing OPK until I get a smiley face, CD12 do ultrasound of ovaries (Follicle scan), call Dr to schedule IUI when I get the smiley face, CD15 do IUI, 1 week after IUI do progesterone test, then wait another week from there to take pregnancy test, then once period arrives- the panic returns about getting my prescription, and it starts....all over again.....It's just on repeat, every single month....It is so mentally exhausting....So much to do...Yes it will ALL be worth it when it does happen, but right now, it is just draining!!

But this cycle truly feels different. With my body, and just everything!

2 nights ago, I had a dream that I got 2 positive pregnancy tests...So of course, that morning when I woke up, I HAD to take a test, even though 5 days after IUI is WAY too early to get a positive....But I HAD to test...Obviously it was negative....

Well, then today....I get a random call from my mom, when I am waiting to be called back to get my blood drawn....She says "What day was your last IUI?" I said "Thursday......why?" She said "Because I think you're pregnant." She tells me about when she was pregnant, she couldn't stand the smell of something, and that she just smelled the same thing, and felt really sick because of it, just as when she was pregnant!! Me and my mom are really close, so this is just crazy!!!!

I am Just really really hoping that this roller coaster is over, so that a new one can begin!! I'm tired of the heartache...I still want a baby so badly, but this whole infertility stuff is really killing my passion...I am actually feeling defeating...Not feeling negative, and depressed, just more of "Okay, this is just not going to happen". Just giving up hope I suppose...And its sad....I don't get excited for a smiley face anymore, I don't get nervous when going for an IUI....Im not on pins and needles to see what my progesterone level is...Maybe I am learning to just roll with everything, and not get worked up...I'm not sure what it is....But man, it feels so weird...

I suppose that is all the rambling I have for tonight.....