I'm tired of acting like I am okay. Tired of the mixed emotions. Tired of feeling like I am labeled by my infertility.
I feel that when people hear my name, or anything to do with me, my infertility is the first thing they think of. I hate that, because when you are posting about how miserable your pregnancy is going, or how tired you are today because your child kept you up, or how your child is being bratty, or that you need a day off, or inviting me to a baby shower! You aren't thinking about my feelings. Which is fine. But why am I the person that pops into your head when you see something fertility related, and my name is associated with infertility...But when you go to make a post, I sure don't pop into your head, and your posts aren't hidden from me.
I get it, you need to vent. We all need to vent. But I just don't understand how so many people seem to care, and pray for us, and wish that I can get pregnant, and really feel for us, and see our hurt, and heartbreak, but then complain about their children, and the things that come along with being a parent. How hard is it, and how long would it really take to just hide that post from me?? Not very. I'm not expecting people to revolve around my feelings, but when you people act like you care, but make these posts, remarks, and comments about babies, children, etc it really hurts. Maybe I should just start posting comments on your statuses.....Reminding you daily of my struggle, because these posts sure bring me back to reality, and remind me how much I want a baby, and what I have gone through trying to have a baby.
When I would see pregnancy announcements, I would delete that person. Because it hurt too much. It was a reminder that they were getting everything I wanted. A reminder that I may never have that. A reminder of how hard this journey is. I now just "unfollow" them, so that I do not get the constant updates, and belly pictures, etc. I felt it wasn't fair. It's not their fault I struggle with infertility.
I had a miscarriage in February. I cried when I saw 2 lines staring back at me. Crying now that I am typing this. I was overly excited. I couldn't believe it. But when I had my blood work done, I knew it was all over before it even began. Everyone that knew I was pregnant (Very few people) told me to keep positive. While I did, I still knew that it wasn't good. When it was confirmed I was going to have a miscarriage, I was sad. But I was not as sad and I expected. I think I was numb to it all. In a matter of 3 weeks, I found out I was pregnant, had been poked over a dozen times, and miscarried. Everything I have been wanting, was just gone. I never got to see my baby. And now, It is hitting me.
Maybe all of this is arising now, because as soon as my cycle decides to start, its back to the grind, and time to begin again. Back to getting poked, and having a bruise on my arm, then by the time its gone, its time to be poked again....I just don't want to feel the pain that infertility has caused me, and my husband.
It also throws me for a loop when people ask me if my husband wants a baby too. And how bad he wants a baby....Why would I put myself through all of this if my husband did not want a baby? Why would we do 5 IUI's, if he didn't want a baby? Why would he do the uncomfortable things these procedures entail, if he didn't want a baby pretty badly? And don't say because he loves me.....Of course my husband wants to have a baby!! And that also hurts me. Because some days, I feel like a failure, because I can't just pop out babies for him to be a daddy to. While he is definitely caring, and comforting that that is okay, it still hurts!
Its scary. I don't know if I will ever be a mom. We do not have tens of thousands of dollars for further infertility treatment. We do not have thousands of dollars to adopt a baby. Why are all of these things so expensive?!?! It costs so much money for those who have infertility issues, but yet drug addicts can pop out babies, collect welfare, food stamps, etc. and that is just A-Ok in this world, apparently. Or people who decide they don't want their child, can give them away, yet it costs thousands of dollars for us people willing to care for that child, to be their parent....This world is a broken place.
It is also so hard to find coverage for these infertility treatments. I am thankful that we have some coverage. Although, everything has had to be through my OB/gyn, because we do not have coverage to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Just to see an RE, it is hundreds of dollars. Just to walk in the door! Let alone the thousands of dollars for testing, and further procedures. Why is it covered under insurance for someone to get an abortion, and why can someone go to a place for free, or donation to get an abortion. Yet someone like myself has to pay for treatment to try and have a baby?? Is human life really not valuable? Is human life that disposable?
I am so sick and tired of hearing about lazy parents, and parents who show their children little to NO attention. Hey, guess what...Your child did not ask to come into this world...YOU are the one that brought them into this world! They deserve parents who show them love, and attention! They don't deserve to be neglected. They deserve to go to school. They deserve the things you are not giving them, because you are a selfish person!! Yet, you are blessed with children, and here I am...childless!!
I know I am far from perfect, but one thing that I do know is that I try my hardest to be considerate of others feelings, and treat people the way I want to be treated, and do things for others that I would like others to do for/to me.
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